Yesterday was not a good day, I needed the kind of help that only a summer movie can give. The plan was a mild beer buzz with fantastic four: the rise of the silver surfer, but I took a last minute zig to D.O.A.-dead or alive- the film version of the video game. I was so happy. Though there are many characters in this game (and film) the director lets you know right of the bat, with intros, that we only be following the story of the three hottest girls. And while I knew that any movie the is commercially viable will be PG 13, I must assure that 10 years of xena and the industry standard of pushing the envelope coupled with computer generated bras and things of the like make for plenty of side boob (thanks peter griffin) action and panty shots, some of which solicited out loud laughs from the audience.
The plot is simple the worlds bad asses meet to compete in a martial arts tournament with a $10,000 prize. After the opening montage we get a scene where everyone jumps out of a plane and climbs up a 10 story Buddha to look over a CG city. Then there is a montage of medical exams (in undies) followed by a montage of a bunch of fights, most of the characters featured will not appear again (even if they won their fights). The fights are perfect, they have no speech, no back story, last about 1 min tops, are super kung fu bassery (sometimes in wet t- shirts) and awesome sound effects. The foley artists that would normally hit steaks or break ears of corn chose instead to make the sounds guns being cocked and fired upon a punch being thrown. Ca-chick, boom.
After that there are a couple of flashbacks followed by approximately 10 scenes all of which fall into the following categories: 1. computer programmer with glasses macks on hot girl. 2. Sexual innuendos between 2 women. 3. Evil genius hints at a master plan. After enough booo-ring of that, almost 20 min worth, we get to the improtu bikini volleyball game. There were also bikini clad score keepers. And don’t ask, you know it was in slow-motion, slow motion montage.
Then the stupid plot came back and I was bummed. It turned out the bad guy was stealing everybody’s moves and downloading them into his brain with super special sunglasses. He becomes the best fighter with feathered hair ever, until his glasses get knocked off, he gets paralyzed by ninja acupuncture and then the island blows up.
Look, the movie is poo, poo on a stick, a poo stick getting waived about in a computer generated wire fighting universe. I script was no unlike a poorly translated incredible hulk Chinese bootleg. What you need to know is summed up by the New York Times reviewer: ”The prime contestants are a ninja princess (Devon Aoki), a pro wrestler (Jaime Pressly) and an assassin-thief (Holly Valance), who all possess a similar martial artistry and allergy to clothing” - JEANNETTE CATSOULIS. And it is an ideal forgot your troubles check your brain at the door movie if you like girls, otherwise rent white squall.
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