Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Expoli-tastic! (not tarantino)

I'm watching too many documentaries in my real life, so in an alternate universe, i went to see GRINDHOUSE (& then i dreamt about car chases for two days). here's my review. get ready.

step one, bored saturday night.
step 2. nutella crepes.
step 3. copious, um, beers.

step4: sneak in the theater, hold the door!
step5: endless ads.
step6: endless trailers. appealing: HOT FUZZ (from SHAUN OF THE DEAD guys, about cops.). also LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. yes! I was just thinking American needed another DIE HARD! (see #3)
horrible: John Cusack is grieving his dead daughter (too old to lust after unattainable women) and a ghost hunter. Sam Jackson is a saucy hotel manager with a 1970s haircut begging him not to stay in the the. most. haunted. room. ever. Dunh-DUNH! it'd be better in Japanese....
alert to Cuasck - 20-something girls will stop loving you all together if you don't stop making crap movies. you've got once more chance.

Step 7: MORE TRAILERS! only this time it looks like faux effed up film, dust, scratches and all. suddenly i am no longer in the georgetown lowes, but the Willow Lawn Mall theater, circa 1973. the floor is SO sticky. Action fans are all around me. MACHETE! - someone fucked the wrong mexican. i hear Rodriguez's making it a feature - i don't know whether i'm excited or horrified.

Step 8: oh. damn. Rose McGowan wearing gold tube-bead hip fringe, somehow not unlike Wonder Woman, is go-go dancing in front of me. she is hot and her makeup is on fire! can i do my eyes like that? why is she so foxy?
Then, PLANET TERROR has the grossest zombies i've ever seen. they are bubbling! they are still alive & turning into zombies! damn government & their radioactive war experiments gone horribly awry! Freddy Rodriguez does his best impression of Twin Peak's James, McGowan's Cherry Darling is a feminist analysis for another day, & naughty-nurse Marley Shelton is a dead ringer for this chick >

step 9: more trailers! including Nick Cage as a chinese stereotype - Fu Manchu! best role to date. good work sir.

10: tarantino has a film in this duo, but you probably could leave before it comes on & save yourself an hour. we, sadly, didn't take this advice and watched the full hour of DEATH PROOF. it dwindles almost into nothingness, clear that Tarantino has no idea what women actually talk about, or, more precisely, how they talk. the film's only credit is the indestructable Zoe Bell who stars riding on the hood of a speeding white muscle car. essentially, this movie is one long conversation leading into an excuse to do this stunt - The Ship's Mast. don't waste your time seeing the movie, she rides on the hood of the car. don't try this stunt. apparently, if you do, a crazed stunt man will chase you off the road, and then you have to beat him to death. tarantino says this is a 'women's revenge film' but, as far as brutal revenge goes, i've seen better.
Speaking of doing better - fan girls sitting with tarantino in death proof - you, too can do better. DTMFA.

So yea. Lucky for you, i hear that Weinstein Company, after a dismal opening weekend for GRINDHOUSE, is going to snip the boys in half, and hopefully tarantino's half will whither and die and stop trying to harsh rodriguez's buzz.


wolfie said...

OH SNAP! but i still maintain that being drunk the whole time greatly improved the effect

Captive Prisoner said...

Thars nawt a single part of this review ah don't agree w.

Even w.o tha awesome mess that was Planet Terror, Death Proof would still be one of tha most boring useless movies ahve evah seen (n ah already thought it would be kinda lame). But to gae from Zombie masacres ta long boring convos n less then harrowing drivin (sans Zoe Bella, whom is both awesome n supah-cool) was almost torture. Ah wish one of us could've warned tha otha that we were in fer such garbage.

Dave Smooth said...

Yes, a shameful waste of time and resources, Mr. Tarantino. I hate you even more now than ever before. Planet Terror was exactly what it should of been however, so the movie wasn't a complete loss. Possibly Mr. Wolfie, sneaking beverages of the intoxicating nature would of helped, or possibly, it would of just made me loud and belligerant, forcing the theater staff to eject me from the building for smashing bottles over Tarantino's giant stupid projected head.
thank you.

Anonymous said...

Rose, there were ROLLER GIRLS in those movies! The LA DERBY DOLLS!
woop woop!